I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
