hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We are two peas in an std pod
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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