nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
