the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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