I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
