seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Enjoy the penises
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize