i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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