I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
