I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
