that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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