Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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