Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
