I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
