I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
