i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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