bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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