shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
