you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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