I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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