She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
