it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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