Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
