My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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