hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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