I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
