True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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