my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
