I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
