Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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