The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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