Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
