Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
