Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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