I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
