Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
