watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
