That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
