He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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