Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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