I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize