I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
