Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
