I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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