i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
