you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
