Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
