Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I enjoy the company of your penis
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
