Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
