Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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