I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
