Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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