im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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