There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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