Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
