last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you didnt know i had herpes?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
