I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
