It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
