im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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