I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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